Reflections

Yesterday's sermon was impactful for me in a way no other sermon has reached me as much this year. Pastor Kong preached about not pondering about past failures, defeats that i've had and to step into the New Year with a bold heart and a bold foot forward. As he spoke and asked us to pen down what were some of our old sins, old defeats, old conflicts, old victories, i was stumped and forced to look back on what i've done, what i've accomplished this year. I'm not someone who remembers things very well and that has kept me going for years and years, cause it seems soo much easier to not ponder over all my many failures and lack of victories. That's probably the reason why most of the time, i would seem like a simple-minded and blur person. It's been my "NO FAIL" method to living a happy life, a life free from angst, free from wordly troubles. I don't feel emptiness in my life basically because i force myself to only look at the surface of things and when things don't go my way, i refuse to look or think about it anymore because i don't like the feeling of disappointment, of rejection, or anything negative for that matter. i've been so accustomed to living my life half-heartedly, of not being observant that it's become part of me. And when pastor Kong suddenly asked us to pen down our reflections on the year, i didn't really like the feeling of having to recap what i did because i know what i'll face is bleak emptiness, self deprecating feelings and the constant torments of feelings of self insufficiency that i've held back at arm's length for years and years.

i'm never one who's ambitious, simple victories are enough to make me contented. but when i look back on my life, i see none. just failures, one after another... i hate this feeling, the feeling that i'll always be a failure no matter what i do, that i'll never be smart enough, never be as talented enough, never be as successful enough, never be able to meet up to people's expectations of me. that i'll live my life being mediocre. and i hate to think that one day when i die and am faced with God and He asks me what i've done with my life, all i can manage is a passing statement.

"I've had fun."

I don't wanna just have fun. i wanna be useful. and good at something. anything.

i guess it boils down to the attitude i take in life, i should always have a good attitude. i should always be willing to try, be willing to challenge myself, be willing to sacrifice. but as i think further, haven't i done what i could? when i decided i wanted to focus on my studies, i wanted straight As, i didn't get them. is it tooo much to expect? Don't get me wrong, my results aren't that bad, they're alright considering my normal standards. but can't i surpass my normal standards and achieve something greater??? why is it that everytime i try sooo hard, i fail. am i doomed always to a life of mediocracy?? and then there's the many times when i practise sooo hard for performances, i try so hard and yet i always end up unnerved by the crowd and whatever i do, it isn't my best. i hate it. i really don't like the feeling of trying my best and yet still failing. not once. not twice. but thousands and thousands of times. even when it came to selection of schools, i NEVER EVER got my 1st choice. and then there's the one treasured achievement that i've held on as dear memory, the book which my sec school supported me through, the hard cover living proof of the faintest hint of talent in me, i didn't even win the competition that i represented the school for, what use is a stupid book if it doesn't win the prize. why is it that everytime i try so hard, i fail...am i not good enough, not qualified enough? i don't need an answer for that. i already know. the world is filled with sooo many people better than i can ever be....

Don't worry. i'm not depressed. i'm not sad. i don't need comfort. i just need a place to vent my frustrations. i am stronger than what i look, my heart is bigger and tougher than an elephants's foot(okay, i know it's a weird comparison, but that's the first thought that came to my mind) and i pride myself in my own emotional strength, even if my physical strength fails me, hurhur. i will fall again and again but i will pick myself up. that's what failing so many times has taught me(ironically)...and as Pastor Kong says, "Failure is never fatal, it is never final".

With the new year, i will try again, i will put my best foot forward, i will change my attitude, i will change my punctuality problem (i'll try), and i will accomplish greater things...what? i don't know yet, but i'll start from little things, like my current obsession with my guitar, i'll learn it and practise as hard as i can. i will somehow pursue the things i love, like design. even if it is just as a hobby.

i will eventually be the woman i want to be.

And yes, as i've learnt from the sermon, I will not:-

1) look at the OLD SINS that were already forgiven.

2) look back at the OLD DEFEATS that get you down.

3) look back at the OLD CONFLICTS that make you feel bitter. (Don't nurse it, Don't curse it , Don't reherse it. Release it and God wil disperse it) (Actually, this has little relevance to me cause being simple-minded has it's advantages, i don't bear grudges or at least, i seldom. you'd probably hafta kill someone i love in order for me to really really hate you. with that said, don't even try.)

4) look back at the OLD VICTORIES and think you have arrived.
(sadly to say, i can't even think of one so there's nothing to look back on...)