scared.

i'm taking a break from the pile of work that i have...

Just visited my ah ma today, the doctor and nurse from the hospice care came to check on her this morning...

i know she doesn't have much time left ever since we found out she was diagnosed with cancer...

But it never really hit me until now, she's been in and out of hospital, she's looking so much thinner and haggard these days, she looks so different from the plump(in a fortunate sorta way), happy and healthy looking ah ma i used to know....

I'm ashamed of myself for not caring enough before. It had to take an outsider's words before i really felt the impact of this dreadful illness. The doctors said she doesn't have much time left.

I'm scared.

I've never been exactly very close to her but i know she loves all of us very much, she loves my mum, my auntie and uncles and all her grand children alot. And it shows. She prayed for me and asked God to take care of me while i was in the car accident that nearly took my life.

she'll cook for all of us curry chicken, one of her specialties, whenever we have large family gatherings. And she'd come to visit me as soon as i got back from Canada. She was there for each one of us every single time. I remember when i was young, she'd bring food when she visited us.

I can feel that time is running short on her, everyone is making an effort to visit as often as they can. Even my aunt from abroad has taken leave to visit her. We try to make sure she has a more comfortable time. My aunt got for her bird's nest and a new pillow. And we try to let her eat good food (not too much though, corz it might aggravate her liver). We even talk about having a family portrait. You can sense that everyone is trying to salvage precious time. It's almost depressing. I have this overwhelming dread in my heart which makes me fear each passing day, something might happen.

I want to do what i can now before it's too late. i'm just frustrated that i can't express in words how i feel cause i can't speak teochew very much. and i am also angry at my siblings for being so uncaring and not bothering to spend more time with their grandmother.

they probably don't know how ah ma took care of them corz they were too young but shouldn't they at least try to show some care and concern.

it makes me angry thinking abt it.