Reflections

Yesterday's sermon was impactful for me in a way no other sermon has reached me as much this year. Pastor Kong preached about not pondering about past failures, defeats that i've had and to step into the New Year with a bold heart and a bold foot forward. As he spoke and asked us to pen down what were some of our old sins, old defeats, old conflicts, old victories, i was stumped and forced to look back on what i've done, what i've accomplished this year. I'm not someone who remembers things very well and that has kept me going for years and years, cause it seems soo much easier to not ponder over all my many failures and lack of victories. That's probably the reason why most of the time, i would seem like a simple-minded and blur person. It's been my "NO FAIL" method to living a happy life, a life free from angst, free from wordly troubles. I don't feel emptiness in my life basically because i force myself to only look at the surface of things and when things don't go my way, i refuse to look or think about it anymore because i don't like the feeling of disappointment, of rejection, or anything negative for that matter. i've been so accustomed to living my life half-heartedly, of not being observant that it's become part of me. And when pastor Kong suddenly asked us to pen down our reflections on the year, i didn't really like the feeling of having to recap what i did because i know what i'll face is bleak emptiness, self deprecating feelings and the constant torments of feelings of self insufficiency that i've held back at arm's length for years and years.

i'm never one who's ambitious, simple victories are enough to make me contented. but when i look back on my life, i see none. just failures, one after another... i hate this feeling, the feeling that i'll always be a failure no matter what i do, that i'll never be smart enough, never be as talented enough, never be as successful enough, never be able to meet up to people's expectations of me. that i'll live my life being mediocre. and i hate to think that one day when i die and am faced with God and He asks me what i've done with my life, all i can manage is a passing statement.

"I've had fun."

I don't wanna just have fun. i wanna be useful. and good at something. anything.

i guess it boils down to the attitude i take in life, i should always have a good attitude. i should always be willing to try, be willing to challenge myself, be willing to sacrifice. but as i think further, haven't i done what i could? when i decided i wanted to focus on my studies, i wanted straight As, i didn't get them. is it tooo much to expect? Don't get me wrong, my results aren't that bad, they're alright considering my normal standards. but can't i surpass my normal standards and achieve something greater??? why is it that everytime i try sooo hard, i fail. am i doomed always to a life of mediocracy?? and then there's the many times when i practise sooo hard for performances, i try so hard and yet i always end up unnerved by the crowd and whatever i do, it isn't my best. i hate it. i really don't like the feeling of trying my best and yet still failing. not once. not twice. but thousands and thousands of times. even when it came to selection of schools, i NEVER EVER got my 1st choice. and then there's the one treasured achievement that i've held on as dear memory, the book which my sec school supported me through, the hard cover living proof of the faintest hint of talent in me, i didn't even win the competition that i represented the school for, what use is a stupid book if it doesn't win the prize. why is it that everytime i try so hard, i fail...am i not good enough, not qualified enough? i don't need an answer for that. i already know. the world is filled with sooo many people better than i can ever be....

Don't worry. i'm not depressed. i'm not sad. i don't need comfort. i just need a place to vent my frustrations. i am stronger than what i look, my heart is bigger and tougher than an elephants's foot(okay, i know it's a weird comparison, but that's the first thought that came to my mind) and i pride myself in my own emotional strength, even if my physical strength fails me, hurhur. i will fall again and again but i will pick myself up. that's what failing so many times has taught me(ironically)...and as Pastor Kong says, "Failure is never fatal, it is never final".

With the new year, i will try again, i will put my best foot forward, i will change my attitude, i will change my punctuality problem (i'll try), and i will accomplish greater things...what? i don't know yet, but i'll start from little things, like my current obsession with my guitar, i'll learn it and practise as hard as i can. i will somehow pursue the things i love, like design. even if it is just as a hobby.

i will eventually be the woman i want to be.

And yes, as i've learnt from the sermon, I will not:-

1) look at the OLD SINS that were already forgiven.

2) look back at the OLD DEFEATS that get you down.

3) look back at the OLD CONFLICTS that make you feel bitter. (Don't nurse it, Don't curse it , Don't reherse it. Release it and God wil disperse it) (Actually, this has little relevance to me cause being simple-minded has it's advantages, i don't bear grudges or at least, i seldom. you'd probably hafta kill someone i love in order for me to really really hate you. with that said, don't even try.)

4) look back at the OLD VICTORIES and think you have arrived.
(sadly to say, i can't even think of one so there's nothing to look back on...)

the hottest new game!

i am hooked on multi-player online pictionary.

http://iminlikewithyou.com/#/arcade/gamelobby/drawmything

i'm such a loser but this is too darn farnie (especially when u meet dumb people who make retarded guesses).

if you have nothing better to do, please join and add me so we can be multi-player buddies in pictionary, lolx.

Boxing Day 2008

Manhatten Fish Market with Farrah & Addy!

Our Seafood platter with the flamming prawns!!! yay!!

it was a simple night with us talking about life and well...ahem, girl's talk. i absolutely love spending girl's time with them! i love them muchx! Addy, the extremely-intelligent-dean's-lister-for-i-don't-know-how-many-years-running-already, and Farrah, the social butterfly and ultimate chiongster queen!


haha! us showing off our tongue rolling skills! we are the zilian queens, i remember we took sooo darn many shots at the back of wp's van after my performance last year...

and well, just for nostalgic effect, i'm gonna put up some of the pictures we took after the "play on"concert last year...but just so i don't scare the nuts outta you, i filtered real hard and used only the not too bad ones, lolx...

we saw a really pretty Evian display while we were resting at subway...did you know that Evian spelled backwards is "Naive"? haha. food for thought. probably only naive people would spend more than 2 bucks on plain water....unless you're filthy rich like Paris Hilton, who can afford to feed your ugly chihuahua Evian water everyday. if so, you can probably bathe with Evian water for all i care.

christmas 2008

Xmas Eve 2008!

i did an all nighter so i wouldn't be late for the children care centre charity event on christmas eve. because the care centre was in pasir ris and the whole event is at 9am, meaning i had to get up by 5am, get out of the house by 6am and meet addy, myrna & gang by 7am!!! we went there to play with the kids, sing xmas songs to them and basically interact with them. it was certainly a meaningful event and it brought a good start to christmas :) though i left my umbrella there!!! sobs.

to be completely spastic, i'm uploading B&W versions of the pictures.

they played the "fire, earthquake, tree, squirrel" game that i used to love when i was younger. i didn't manage to join in though cause i was helping out with the carolling. Jo played the guitar while a few of us sang xmas songs like Frosty the Snowman & my fave xmas song, Felix Navidad(though i'm getting sick of it cause i keep hearing it this xmas). i wished i had more time to spend with the kids though instead of practising the songs, but at least the kids enjoyed the sing-a-long session.

lots of us got stuff for the kids and i realise that getting the wrong gift will upset them more than not giving them at all. there was this particular boy who cried when he got a gift that he didn't like and the teachers allowed him to change presents.

And thanks Addy for coming down to help out!!!

we got these cute horses as souvenirs from the children care centre! super cute!! after the whole event, we headed down to downtown east for lunch and by then, i was abit groggy already. i needed to sleep badly and i slept on the train ride back home. I think i slept kinda unglamly cause i noticed that people were staring at me but i couldn't really be bothered, lolx. and there was this old lady beside me who kept talking to me, i couldn't remember what she was rambling on about about cause i was half asleep. i only remember the part where she praised me, i am sooo superficial. i can't stand myself. when i got home, even though i basically only had 1 hr before i had to leave the house, i totally knocked out and was late for my swiss girls gathering. -_-" so sorry for being late!

Anyway, had our swiss girls gathering at sushi tei cause most of us couldn't stay over. i like holland v for its less hectic crowd during xmas, but i kinda miss the old days when we went to hardrock cafe for our xmas gatherings cause there was more christmas spirit. we crapped about all sorts of stuff and i learnt more shocking stuff again, lolx, i never cease to be shocked whenever vien is around. we made such a din that the manager came over to tell us to keep our voices down. very embarrassing. but we suspect it's cause we complained that their waffles that day were too soggy and the manager was a tad pissed with us. hurhur. felt a bit bitchy to complain when they were already soo busy with the christmas crowd but can't help it la, the food standard really has deteriorated!

look at all the presents! and the photoframes i did for jess & jieshan, lolx, i like them alot alot that i wanted to keep them for myself!!

after that, we left for essential brews and met up with jackie. i haven't seen him since SA times!!! he really has grown more stylish and good-looking since sec school days but i guess all of us have grown out of our ugly phase in sec school, haha. i shudder to look back at all our ugly pics in sec school. i still remember Jo laughing at one of my sec school photos and saying that i looked like an auntie!!! arh!!! *faints* as we talked about all the ol' days in swiss, i realised i forgot practically 3/4 of what i did back then. maybe cause i was more quiet back then and left them to create all the havoc, i think i remember more of sec 3&4 days, partly cause i enjoyed the latter years more and mainly cause i have very short-termed memory( i almost suspect i might have mild dementia...that's why i blog most of what i do nowadays in order for me to remember events). when they started reminiscing about all the teachers and antics that we played during sec school, i couldn't remember half of what they said. :s but i did realise we were very mean to our teachers back then, a few of them left school or cried because of us. For e.g., vien was talking about a particular incident when Mr Wee entered their class after P.E lessons and the classroom stunk of all the bad B.O.

Mr Wee: "What's that smell? So smelly!"

Aaron: "What smell? Mr Wee, it must be cause your mouth is too near to your nose!"

Mr Wee: ".........."

omg. we laughed so hard after hearing it. the nerve. then there were the many times we locked our teachers out of the classrooms and ran out in the midst of lessons...we were really a "teacher's worst nightmare" back then.

at 12am, we decided to get out and start going around wishing people Merry Christmas but there weren't any crazy crowds outside! super disappointing, so i just went up to a couple and wished the partly shocked and unsuspecting girl, "Merry Christmas!". haha. we stood outside the streets for ages and ages before they finally decided on a place to hang out while i went home to get my much needed sleep.

Christmas Day 2008!

went for church service at jw with my sis, yan ping & winnie! the christmas drama production was fantastic as usual! very very farnie! saw jeremy there too :)

joyce is soo cute, she's getting prettier from the last time i saw her!

after the whole service, went down to jw to check out the new building, gosh, it's super hugge now! i'm gonna go there to shop when i have the time. lotsa new stores there and it's so darn near school! Yay!! it's practically a Orchard Road near school! too bad i'm leaving in half a year's time......i really dread leaving, i don't ever wanna leave school, EVER. err, but i don't wanna "ta pao" too. i heard Sweden provides free masters programme for foreigners! haha. no kidding.

FAMILY DINNER at THE VILLAGE (near jurong hill)!

(view of jurong island, i didn't know it was sooo huge! but it was very pretty seeing all the night lights :) ) my dad kept droning on about how a particular tree will look very good with the sunrise and that the tree should be to the left and the sun should be positioned exactly on the right side, on and on he went about the composition of the photograph as though he's really taking the shot already -_-" his enthusiasm for photography has gone to a whole new level...seriously. who would notice a stupid tree in the midst of all the night lights? and he started analysing the multi-storey car park and telling me i should take a photo from above to capture the structure...omg. it's only a car park. i don't wanna take photo of a car park.

but it's quite enriching to hear his opinions once in a while la...

Finally, family shot! i love me family! They are my sturdy rock and the one thing i cannot do without!

Vivocity with BSM mates

went xmas shopping in the bugis yesterday and quickly rushed down to meet my BSM trip mates for a xmas gathering! i paid a $3 entrance fee to find them at sentosa and shortly after finding them, they said Cafe Delmar was too ex and they were deciding on returning to vivo for dinner!!!! ARh!!! my $3!!!! grrr....they tried to find other places to eat in sentosa but everything was too ex so about 30mins after getting to sentosa, i returned back to vivo...... -_-"""" oh well, on the brightside, at least i got to witness abit of the fireworks, lolx. speaking of which, i wanna go watch the marina bay countdown on new year's eve!!!! i don't care if it's too crowded!! I wana welcome in the new year with festive cheer!

we went to Marche to grab dinner and ordered a whole buncha stuff. Later in the night, we exchanged our xmas gifts! Victor got my present, i bought a really cute clock, i hope he's not superstitious though cause it really is very nice and functional :s

Picture Post!

Kk, gotta run, shan't blog anymore. Cya! And merry christmas to everyone!

Pre-Xmas Steamboat Party with JC clique!!




we had a steamboat party at my place yesterday! we bought tons and tons of food and yesterday was my first attempt at cooking rice!! hurhur, super embarrassing, i didn't know how much water or rice to put in and i had to call myrna to ask. :S in the end, i put like 2 cups of rice and later realised that was only enough to feed 4 people!! *faints* and i thought i added too much water cause the rice turned out a tad sticky...i was quite hesitant whether or not to throw it away. I only realised later on that it was Japanese rice, -_-" luckily i didn't waste the 2 cups of rice.

I also prepared the broth beforehand using chicken bones and chicken stock. Lolx, felt like a chef for once. Actually, that was one of my ambitions aside from ermmm.....air stewardess, doctor, nurse, fashion designer, fashion stylist, artist(as in those that draw, not the Mediacorp kinda artist), social worker, journalist, business woman and mortician (haha, for a very brief moment)...man, i had quite a vivid imagination i realise.

Oei! myrna, angie stop cam whoring! go do some work!!


haha, yay! finally doing some work! haha,nah, myrna was very very helpful, she helped to prepare the dishes and helped me do the washing up too! Thanks dearie!


we're all cosing up on the couch and watching "mama" show as Sompong fondly calls the 9pm ou xuan drama. And what the heck is sompong doing???!!


Timo, the aspiring Nigel Barker cum Ms Jay, lolx.


Timo, Angie & Yan Ping!


We are a buncha cam whores and i'm all ready with the wine opener in my hand! Kelly brought white wine & Angie brought Choya!


Sompong, the aspiring err...sumo?? lolx. My mum was commenting after they left, "Who's that tall, handsome guy arh? very handsome leh..." omg. i think aunties tend to like Sompong. hahaha.


Jie wei & Marcus acting shy. And look at Timo's FIERCE pose!! He's practising for his "runway auditions"! Our very own Ms Jay! Damn "fierce" right? hahaha.

We watched the "My Hope" video that night and it was quite touching. It's about an ex-convict who was very rebellious during his younger days and had been in and out of prison several times. He came to know of God while being warded and after several incidents, decided to accept Christ into his life. I felt that it was appropriate for unbelievers in the sense that it was realistic. The man didn't accept Christ the first time he came to know of Him(when he challenged the power of Christ by praying for 13 days in a row and was miraculously, released from maximum security), he was very stubborn and refused to acknowledge the existence of a greater power. It was only after several incidents that he had no choice but to believe that He does exist. I think alot of people would go through the same experience in their journey to receiving the Lord. Not as in being detained in prison (obviously) but as in, only accepting Christ after a few encounters.

After the video, Kelly and Myrna shared their testimonials and Myrna & I performed a church song to the rest. I think the whole night went quite well in such a way that no one interrupted the video, the testimonies. Everyone was quite receptive. And for that I am thankful. We then headed down to the swimming pool side for gift exchange :)






They then surpised me with a birthday cake and a CK black office bag!! Awww! I was super touched! Actually, I did suspect that they might celebrate my birthday when i saw a tiny cake in my fridge during dinner and when Myrna had suddenly asked me, out-of-the-blue, during our daiso trip, "So you havent gotten a office bag for EY yet huh?" lolx. i was wondering what a weird question and got a bit suspicious but i didn't say anything. haha. I really like the bag, it's classy and simple. Definitely something i would carry for work and it doesn't hurt that it's CK!! The designer is well-known for it's simple, clean-cut designs. :)

And then it was GIFT EXCHANGE time!!!! Yay!!

We got to pick our gifts for gifts exchange before the guys. It was through drawing of lots and i received a very nice xmas mug and an....errr....eyeball from yan ping. so typical of her. haha. yan ping is always doing crazy stuff!!

My JC clique and I hung out by the poolside till around 3am talking about all sorts of things, e.g. Timo's many gay encounters in army, lolx, and we were witnesses to a very very drank girl and a uncensored scene of a young man changing out of his boxers. *gasp*

I know i've probably said that i've loved countless of people before(and you're probably sick of it too), but i do love my JC clique! haha. JC days will always be one of my happiest days (other than university), 04s63 was such a fun buncha people and we were all very close-knitted. There was a class spirit that many people might never get to experience in their whole schooling life. And i'm thankful to God for bringing these people in to my life. :)